


A Path to Endure Pain

by Anonymous



Category: Final Fantasy VIII
Genre: Angst, Author is not a native English speaker, Be warned that my intention is to shock and disgust, Dark, Depressing, Extramarital Affairs, F/M, I'm sure I unintentionally changed canon timeline here and there, Physical Abuse, Semi-Graphic Sex Scene, The rape warning is tricky but let's be on the safe side, and had no beta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-11-22 03:21:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20867366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: For most of her life, Edea worked to change the world for the better. But no matter how much physical and mental hardships she endured to reach her goal, it all brought terrible consequences. To be able to make amends, she will have to make peace with herself first.





	A Path to Endure Pain

**Author's Note:**

> *whisper* If you want to avoid the adult content, skip the Deling City part.

Galbadia Garden

After the Clash of Gardens

She felt the hard floor pushing against her side. It was such an unfamiliar feeling, because it was a _feeling_. Was this a dream? She had to make sure. She inhaled deeply and coughed when her lungs and windpipe pierced with pain. She was not sure if it was because of injuries she didn’t notice yet, or because of the intrusive smell of burnt flesh. But she _did_ feel it.

Burnt flesh. The stench brought back images, memories which were not hers. She remembered the life leaving the eyes of President Deling. She remembered a boy grown… Squall… falling down from a podium, and an icicle sticking out of his chest. She remembered the fear in the eyes of Galbadia Garden’s students as she arrives, and the hatred when they saw their Headmaster leave without any of his belongings. Another grown boy, Seifer, collapsing on the floor from exhaustion. And last, she remembered five of her children attacking her with grief in their eyes.

She somehow knew that the two were recent, that they led up to this moment. She pressed her palm against the floor and gave all her remaining power to push herself up. Every twitch of her muscles sent a surge of pain up her spine. She welcomed it like it was an old friend. She was herself again. Ultimecia was forced back in her mind, and it was up to Edea to fix the damage her oppressor inflicted on the world.

She grabbed the railing of the podium. At first, she was afraid that the following shattering sound was a broken bone. Then she recognized the coldness in her palm and remembered to connect the two sensations. It will take some getting used to. More ice fell from the railing as she struggled to her feet. Her vision focused only when she tried to tell apart the figures that moved around down there, between the seats of the auditorium. They seemed worn, but not hurt, thank goodness.

“Squall” she breathed. She remembered him, from that day so long ago. His gentle, loving voice and sad expression, as if he did not hold her responsible.

“Quistis, Selphie” her voice was somewhat stronger now. Her two, beautiful girls averted their eyes from the girl in blue she remembered from Deling City. They were so confused. Maybe because she hurt the blue girl again. She will have much to repent for.

“Irvine, Zell” she named the boys who were so bad at hiding their sadness behind determination just a few minutes ago. Now she held their puzzled attention.

“You’ve all grown so much… and become so strong…” she automatically said with a dull voice, as she remembered how she last saw them as herself. They were so little. Edea’s legs trembled, signaling that her strength was waning. But she had to let them know that it was not her. That she loves them so much, and that she was able to remember. “I have waited for this day to come. And also feared this day would come” she felt a warm tear dripping down her cheek. She gripped the railing harder.

“Is today a joyous day?” from the corner of her eye she saw Zell ran up the steps. She looked into his distressed eyes, and forced her next question through a squeezing throat. “Or an odious day?”

She saw that he did not understand. Was it that he did not know what happened to her? Or what she meant? Was she even loud enough?

“Where is Ellone?” she asked. “Have I protected Ellone?”

Zell’s expression softened. He hesitated for a moment, and then nodded. The next tear that left her eyes was already of relief. The blur did not go away before the world turned black and the pain faded.

***

Dollet

Four years before the Clash of Gardens

They arrived at Dollet at night, but she waited until the sun appeared above the sea. It was early in the morning, but Gertrer was already on the deck, scrubbing the floor in the light of dawn. He became such a dutiful young man since he became the acting commander of the ship. There was no sign of the boy who was crying in Edea’s embrace, swearing to her that he will never leave her side. She tried to make him understand that her previous second-in-command, Hiera left to start a new life and family, and that she expected him to make the same decision when the time comes. The same day, she announced Gertner to be the next acting commander, to help him accept the loss of the two departing White SeeDs. And of course, to force herself not to cry for her two grown children herself, for the sake of those who remained, especially for Gertner. She soon regretted her decision.

She cleared her throat as she approached the young man. It took a moment for Gertner to recognize Edea, but when he did, he was already standing straight, ready for duty.

“Commander” he said dutifully. He called her like this since he realized that he in part is responsible for the ship. He meant well, but he had no idea how much it hurt Edea. And she will never say it. She wanted to hug him, to show him that she is still his Matron but that would rouse his suspicion. And she had to avoid that right now.

“The stores will open in two hours. We will get the supplies then and we can depart from Dollet.

Edea stepped closer to Gertner.

“I was wondering if we could stay here for a few more hours at least.”

“We could, if that is your wish” he nodded without a smile.

“Maybe you should go out too” she touched his shoulder. “You are organizing things so well, but at the cost of being harsh to yourself.”

“If I leave, Kelpur will have to stay” he said. There was still a little bit of brotherly love left in him after all. Edea rubbed his arm with a smile which she knew was sour, no matter how hard she tried not to show her real feelings.

“Meriel will stay on the ship” she said. “He already volunteered.”

She knew that Gertner would say no to anyone, except to the first White SeeD, the only one who came from the orphanage with Edea. As she expected, Gertner’s expression softened, and he nodded.

When the work began at the docks, Edea left the ship with Ellone on her side, so that nobody else will have to watch over the girl. Although the sun already found its way into the narrow streets, and the stores were open, it was much calmer than at the docks. Still, Edea will have to wait a little. She looked at Ellone, who touched a purple silk scarf with a timid smile. Edea felt her heart squeeze in her chest. The girl was way too much used to window-shopping. The White SeeD did not exist to the world the same way their brothers and sisters did. As they had no income of their own, they had to rely on what Cid could send them, which was obviously not much more than enough for supplies and maintenance. One day, this will change, and Ellone will be able to buy that scarf. But it is not going to be today, and not even in the years to come.

She wanted Ellone’s powers. That magical power in Edea which seemed to gain strength with each passing day. She wanted it for a while now, but so far, she was nothing more than a dream. Whatever changed was thankfully not as invisible as the entity wanted it to be. Meriel was suspicious. He woke up Edea on the deck one night, and she did not know how she got there. The entity’s demand was growing since then, and became less and less subtle. Even now, when Edea looked at Ellone with sadness and love, even though a side of her wanted to grip her wrist, drag her out of the city and into the wilderness where nobody can find them.

“Why don’t you try it on?” she asked the girl. “With those clothes?” she pointed to a set of white clothes hanging at the end of the nearest hanging rack.

“We don’t have money for it” Ellone said, trying to look cheerful.

“We might not. But don’t you want to look like the princess that you are? Maybe one day we can buy each one of you children clothes like those.”

Ellone’s smile lacked eagerness, but it was still warm and fond. Maybe she felt that Edea was sad and wanted to make her happy. Or maybe it was her inner child coming to the surface. Edea felt a sudden urge to comb her hair with her fingers, but then Ellone would know that she is nervous.

“Alright, Matron” she never uttered her name like this. The others were, but Ellone never did. Her real Matron was a woman in Winhill. Ellone took the scarf and the clothes, and disappeared into the store to try it on.

Edea immediately covered her face with her hands. What has she done? Did she really send in a young girl to try on beautiful clothes she could never have, just so that she can run away unnoticed? She touched a wooly fabric which presaged the coming winter and took a deep breath. She does this for Ellone. Because if she is right about this other woman in her mind, and that she cannot contain her forever, then Ellone is better off in the dressing cabin, in the company of expensive clothes, than with her.

Edea stepped away from the store and walked up the street, towards the gate of the city. It is going to be better for the children. Even if she wasted valuable time with hesitation, she made a safe distance between the store and herself before she heard Ellone’s voice calling for her. She walked into a small, darker street and doubled her steps. Soon, another voice joined in. It was Gertner.

“Matron!” his powerful voice must have carried through half the city. He was panicked. Edea’s legs quivered at the realization, but she did not stop. She started to run and violently smeared a tear from her eye. She wished that the pain would stop. She so, so wished that it would.

The sorceress inside her mind raged. At least that was a kind of twisted consolation.

*** 

Centra

Thirteen years before the Clash of Gardens

The uninhabited wastelands of Centra were the perfect place to settle down, if you were a sorceress who did not want to get on the hands of a tyrant. It could even pass for a place to raise the orphans of war you took under your wing. If anyone would ask her, she would say that she was happy. Even if she always had to rise up from bed while it was still dark, to see if a monster tried to bypass her magical barrier, and she had to dispose of the corpse before any of the children woke up. Her only worry was that while she was calm and happy without socializing, the little ones needed it.

Even now, the children were having a picnic on the marguerite fields that purified the brown fields around the orphanage. Selphie was showing something with such ferocity that she fell on her back. Zell returned from the house and when Seifer told him something, the older boy’s face got into close acquaintance with a half-eaten sandwich. Although the ingredients for the sandwich were scarce, Edea could not help but smile. Quistis on the other hand, was less forgiving.

“Look how they ruin our work, Matron” she murmured, looking out the kitchen window.

“Let them have fun” Edea said. “Maybe Zell didn’t like the eggs it the sandwich. But at least he tried them.”

Quistis crossed her arms in exaggerated offense, but immediately took a freshly baked cookie from the plate when Edea offered it to her. When she grabbed the cookie and took her first bite, Edea could see a glimpse of the little girl Quistis tried to conceal. She took her oldest sister role way too seriously, and she was surprisingly effective in keeping the others at bay. But she needed to have fun too. She had to be the child that she was.

“Don’t you want to join them?” Edea asked gently. “You’re going to stay hungry if you miss breakfast.”

Quistis swallowed the remaining cookie and opened her mouth to give an outraged response, but Irvine’s head appeared in the door.

“I smell sweets” he grinned. “Sephie smelled it too. Can we have some?”

“That’s for…” Quistis started but Edea handed her the same plate from which she offered her a cookie a minute ago.

“Everyone can have only one. The rest is a reward if you eat all your dinner” she winked at Quistis, implying to her that her first cookie can remain a secret between the two of them.

Quistis nodded in defeat, Irvine took his cookie from the plate and the two children left the house. For a moment, Edea looked at her children from the window. When Quistis arrived to the others, she put her hands on her waist and said something. Zell readied another sandwich to throw her way, but Quistis straightened her posture and Zell let his hand fall. Irvine grabbed the side of her clothes to gently drag her down to the others.

Edea heard long footsteps approaching. Her smile deepened, and she closed her eyes.

“It’s not nice to be sneaky” Cid said, stepping next to her. She opened her eyes only to see Zell jumping up and running around the others with his hands flailing, probably imagining that he was a bird. “Although I see why you would be amused” he chuckled.

When he put a hand around her waist, she laid her head on his shoulder. She took a deep breath, trying to slow down time. He always smelled like the work he was doing around the house. He smelled like dust when he fixed something, he smelled like cookies when he tried to get Selphie out of hiding, or even like flowers when he was tending to the fields. Today, he smelt like the sea. He was catching fish for dinner. Seifer usually helped him with the fishing, but today he liked sandwiches in his face more.

Cid was such an understanding man. They met in the dire circumstances of war, trying to create a shelter that can hide children and to keep them occupied for days if there was a need to hide. He was a teacher, he understood children. She was nobody, she just loved children. When their relationship became serious, she told him what she was. He did not care. On the day he proposed, she reminded him one last time, and told him that she did not want to have children of her own. He did not care that day either. And then they moved to Centra, started the orphanage, and with that, their family. He might not be the hero of the Centran wilderness, but his calm respect of her decisions certainly made him the hero of her life. And each morning she prayed that her luck will not leave her, and that she will forever wake up next to him.

“Squall is running for it” Cid said with a serious tone. Edea suddenly opened her eyes. Indeed, Squall jumped over the marguerites, and towards the barrier.

“I will go after him” she said. “Keep an eye on the others!”

Thankfully, Edea was able to gain up on Squall. But when he turned at the last column leading up to the patio of the house, Edea came to a halt from surprise and fear. She saw a young man with brown hair and eyes standing between the columns, with unsheathed sword in hand. Swift questions penetrated her mind. How did he get here? What did he want? _Who_ did he want? She fortified herself to attack and evade if the need rose, but the man did not move his blade for a strike. By closer inspection, saw that the man was really a tired, beaten boy, and that his eyes took her in with strange softness, much unlike a sorceress hunter’s. Her muscles relaxed a little, and she suddenly remembered why she came here. But Squall was nowhere to be found. He was not running in the distance, and thank goodness, he was not lying dead in front of the door either.

“Excuse me. Have you seen a little boy?” she asked slowly, still trying to guess what the man wanted here.

“You don’t have to worry. The boy won’t go anywhere.” the man said. There was no hint of threat in his voice. What she felt was caring… maybe love even? Was he Squall’s unknown relative? She saw some resemblance.

“I think so too. Poor thing…” ‘…just lost her sister’ is what she wanted to say. But a sudden, purple light silenced her. Then out of the light, a woman materialized. She was hardly alive. No, her shell was already dead. The mixture of fear and compassion pumped in Edea’s veins. And something else.

“You’re alive?!” now there was a threat in the man’s voice and his grip around his sword tightened.

“The sorceress?” she asked. She heard the slow steps of the ragged woman as she started to advance towards them.

“Yes, Matron. We had defeated her...” he said.

Who was he talking about? And how did he know who she was? The sorceress slowly limped towards them. “Matron, stand back!” he shouted. He sounded so desperate this time, and her title came out of his mouth so naturally. Like it was a name to him, rather than a title.

Whatever was going on, she knew one thing. She cannot let that woman wander too close to the children. She took too much effort not to trip on the seashore, or to not fall down from the cliff. She will not let any of her girls become victims of social stigma now either.

“It’s okay” she told both to the man and to herself. “There is no need to fight” she said and touched the man’s wrist. “The sorceress is just looking for someone to pass her powers on to. In order to die in peace, a sorceress must be free of all her powers. I know… for I am one, too” she said the last sentence carefully, so that her voice would not falter. “I shall take over that sorceress’ powers. I do not want one of the children to become one.”

“I… can’t… disappear yet” the ragged woman uttered with much difficulty. She was the most horrifying sight the house had seen in the latest years, but Edea still felt sorry for her. She stepped forward.

“Matron!” the man’s shout held so much fear, Edea stopped for a second.

But only for a second. She felt her existence connecting to the other woman. Sparks of the same purple color the woman appeared from created a beam of light between them and Edea felt the surge of power entering her body and finding its way to her limbs. It was a tiring experience, but not as much as it was the first time. She did not lose her consciousness now. She did not remember how, but she was on her knees, and the stranger knelt beside her. He wanted to kill the other sorceress, but not her. Why?

“Is this… the end?” she whispered. She was not sure she can look up to where the sorceress was.

“…Most likely” the man said with resigned tone. Who was he to care for her so much?

“You called me Matron” she looked at him. “Who… are you?”

He was thinking for a moment. He will probably lie.

“A SeeD. A SeeD from Balamb Garden.”

Her thoughts started to race with each other. She did not know what a seed was. And there was no garden at Balamb. And why does this boy refer to himself as a seed from a garden? It was a nonsensical lie, if there ever was one.

“SeeD? Garden?” she asked back. Maybe he will tell more.

“Both Garden and SeeD were your ideas. Gardens train SeeD. SeeD are trained to defeat the sorceress” he answered with a straight face.

She was puzzled. She never did anything like that. She looked at the man again. He was either an extremely convincing actor, or he was telling the truth. She could see in his eyes a familiar longing for someone he lost. She had an idea, who he was. The power returned to her body immediately and she pushed herself up.

Was it really possible that she didn’t come up with the idea _yet_? She never heard about time travel, but magic was an uncharted field, even for a sorceress. But it still didn’t add up. Why would she want to establish a force that fights sorceresses? She always wanted to show the world that not all of them are evil. Then again… this man fought the sorceress who just died and had no intention to kill Edea. Whatever this SeeD force will become, they can differentiate one sorceress from another.

“What are you saying?” she waited until the man stood up too, and then looked deep into his eyes. She had to know. “You’re… that boy from the future?” she pointed towards the columns where her mind’s eye saw Squall passing through minutes ago.

The man did not say yes. He did not even nod. He just looked at her with the same sadness that she saw on his face when she received the other woman’s powers.

“…Matron” he whispered finally, and that confirmed everything.

She felt her muscles tense. This was not right. She knew it, hopefully the man knew it and the young Squall should not know it.

“Please return” her voice was sharper than she expected. “You do not belong here” she said much gentler, but it still hurt her. To see her boy all grown up, and she just has to push…

The little Squall appeared out from nowhere.

“I can’t find Sis.”

She broke eye contact with the grown Squall and looked at his younger self. She knelt down, which was less difficult than she expected.

“Am I… all alone?” he asked, at the brink of crying. It was not the best time for him to realize that she lied to him and Ellone will not come back. But then he looked at the man. “Who’s he?”

“Nobody. You don’t need to know” she stood up again. “The only Squall permitted here is you” she said instantly, out of fear, but she regretted her reckless reassurance. The boy cannot learn the truth. And she probably hurt the man with her words too. She did not want him to feel alone either. Even though she rejected him shelter, despite her current efforts to be the anchor of his young self in case Ellone was never to return. So she looked back at the man to make it up to him. She did not know if he was hurt by her words or afraid because he realized that he did not belong here.

“Do you know where to go back to?” she tried to ask the question as gentle as the whole situation and her nerves allowed. “Do you know how? “Will you be alright by yourself?”

Alone? Poor boy… But he looked at his little self and then back at her, with newfound determination. He was not alone. He gave her a strange salute. And then he was gone in the blink of an eye.

“Who… what was that?” Squall asked slowly. It will take a lot to convince the boy.

“Nobody… and nothing” Edea smiled and put her hands on Squall’s shoulders. “It was just magic.”

That evening, after the children were already put to bed, Edea could finally sit down in the backyard, bundled up in a blanket, and with a book in her hand. But after what happened today, she could not concentrate on what she was reading. She put the book in her lap and looked down to the ocean instead. Whatever that scene was at the columns this morning, it involved her. She gave the idea for the creation of a military force that hunted women like her. Why would she do that to herself? Who was that sorceress? Can she believe Squall that she deserved death? Was she Adel’s successor? She shivered at the thought that she may have accepted Adel’s powers, no matter how she resisted it during the war. What does that make her now, in her present? She drew the blanket closer around her.

But an armed force with such an offensive goal could easily rub anyone the wrong way. And still, that boy, her grown Squall, looked at her with such caring, and was devastated when she willingly inherited the “evil” sorceress’ powers. Who was right? What shall she do?

“Is that book not what you expected?” Cid asked. She startled and looked at him. When did he arrive?

“No. I was just thinking” she replied and put the book down next to her.

“About what?” He sat down and took her hand into his.

A school for young fighters. In a way, that’s what she wanted, is it not? To give her children the opportunity to become parts of the society. It seems that the boy who is the most reserved here will find his way if he can concentrate to fighting. And no matter who and what he became, he didn’t forget the love she felt for him. She made her decision.

“Do you think that Adel’s powers can become a threat again?”

***

Deling City

Ten months before the Clash of Gardens

Although Ultimecia lived in her for thirteen years, she did not know anything about her until the moment she lost control over her body. Edea expected her to be the villain of children’s stories, who sleep by the day and go on a wild goose chase after their mark when night falls. But her oppressor proved her wrong. Soon after her takeover, Ultimecia delved into politics. She worked during the day and slept at night. She spent three years waiting patiently for whatever she wanted to achieve, and she never seemed less than an ordinary person. She acted so ordinary in fact, that Edea could even say that Ultimecia behaved more naturally than her. She walked with a straight back, talked with confidence, and acted like a queen after Vinzer Deling called her a mastermind with a rare combination of polished manners and no moral compass.

Today was Deling’s birthday, and Ultimecia was ready to become the villain of night Edea initially believed her to be. The whole staff gathered in the parliament to celebrate the autocrat. The people were more open than ever, which was probably the result of the endless supply of champagne. But Ultimecia did not drink. She already took three glasses of champagne from silver trays, but left them untouched at side tables when she was not talking with anyone. Whatever Ultimecia’s plan was on the long run, she was about to set it into motion tonight. She started to prepare for it a week ago, and her need for a clear mind confirmed it.

After Deling gave his speech on successfully taxing Timber and on the almost complete schedule of Dollet’s assault, the mingling and drinking continued. This is when Siesir, Deling’s wife found Ultimecia.

“How does it feel to be the mastermind behind an invasion, and still not getting the credit either from Vinzer, or the military?” Ultimecia looked to her side only to see Siesir’s biting expression. Whenever Siesir and Ultimecia exchanged a few words, Edea was never sure if Siesir’s anger was directed towards her husband, or Ultimecia. Maybe it was a little bit of both.

“I knew what to expect when I took this job” Ultimecia answered slowly, playing with the glass of untouched champagne in her glass. “But what’s it to you, Madame Deling? Are you afraid that history will repeat itself? Or do you have a proposition perhaps?”

Siesir’s face stiffened. Edea knew what Ultimecia meant. Many years ago Siesir was what Ultimecia is now. She was the advisor to Deling’s opposition and curiously, a few months after Deling won the election, he married Siesir. The opposing party immediately disbanded along with the smaller ones, and dictatorship was born.

Siesir was visibly taken aback by Ultimecia’s accusation. Edea had no idea what the woman wanted, and she was sure Ultimecia neither, but she still threatened back before the more obvious attack would begin.

“I do not” Siesir’s voice snapped. “I just saw enough people work under my husband burning out before they could ripe the fruit of their labor. Not that he would let them” Siesir sipped from her own champagne.

“With what kind of story do you want to tire out Edea tonight, my dear?” they both turned towards President Deling.

“I am just worried for her well-being, Vinzer” Siesir’s ire reached its highest point. “I do not want to see a case similar to poor Leveko’s. He still has…”

“We already talked about him” Vinzer interrupted. There was a hint of threat in his voice. “And if you must know, Edea specifically asked me to never to push her out into public or mention her name.”

That was true. Ultimecia might not be afraid of attention, but she had the disadvantage of possessing the body of a sorceress who the Headmasters of the three Gardens would recognize.

“That is true” confirmed Ultimecia coldly.

Siesir knew that she had lost, but still managed to nod proudly. She finished her glass of champagne and left to talk with people she hopefully liked a little more.

“Forgive my wife’s behavior” Deling said with a somewhat calmer voice.

“I’m sure her concern is genuine” said Ultimecia in a tone that gave the impression that she just rehearsed a newly learnt speech.

“Genuine concern, of course” Deling looked at her with obvious disbelief before he took a glass of champagne. “What will you tell me today, Edea?” he was much friendlier now. “I hope nothing as shocking when you announced that you will see how Dollet’s invasion plays out and resign. Every leader needs advisors like you.”

“Thank you, Mister President” smiled Ultimecia.

“I could order you to remain, you know. But you deserve better treatment than that. So tell me instead, do you have a plan after your departure from our ranks?”

“I may have” from her tone, Edea knew that her smile became more predatory. She also took her very first sip of champagne.

“Care to elaborate?”

“Only where others can’t hear” Ultimecia, the master manipulator was well on her way to make the next step on the checkboard of her grand scheme. Edea had to strengthen what little consciousness she was left with.

Vinzer Deling was a blind man if he thought that Ultimecia kept the position of a lover in higher regard than an advisor’s, but he was not clueless of what Ultimecia insinuated. He was happy to oblige the sorceress’ wish to find a place where nobody can hear them, and the second the door to the briefing room clicked shut, he began his conquest.

He frantically kissed and sucked where he could reach her body. His targets changed constantly, as Ultimecia basically shoved his body left and right to remove the unnecessary pieces of his clothing and to help him get ready to what will probably become the crown of his birthday night. Edea tried to concentrate her attention to the background of Ultimecia's vision, but strangely, her oppressor's thoughts seeped into her consciousness. She _wanted_ Edea to know what happened. She wanted to horrify her. This is why she knew when Deling bit deeper into _her_ neck as a result of her touch on him. It was strange not feeling it, but still be certain that it will leave a disgusting mark. This is why she also knew when his hands traveled up _her_ tights, pushing the skirt up with it. Because Ultimecia narrated it to her.

When Deling entered Ultimecia, he exhaled and rested his forehead on her shoulder. Ultimecia did not move her body at all. She did not want this intimacy on an emotional level. After Deling was sure that he was ready, he started to move. His first few strokes were slow, but he very soon lost control.

Ultimecia’s link with Edea suddenly faded. One part of Edea wanted to close her mind off, but she knew that then Ultimecia would win. The other part wanted to call back Ultimecia’s thoughts, because she wanted to know everything that happened to _her_ body.

Ultimecia gasped, grabbed the rim of the table and opened her body up more. She was in pain, Edea could hear. Her body was not yet ready to receive him. Although Deling obviously did not care, Ultimecia restrained herself, threw her hands around his back and tried to imitate somewhat more blissful moans. No matter her effort, whenever Deling slammed into her harder, only hisses could escape her mouth.

“Edea” he whispered in ecstasy and he drew her body to him more. The sensitivity of his voice as he uttered her name was like the most obscene swear word for Edea. That moment, she almost gave up the little consciousness she was left with and hid somewhere deeper in her mind.

Deling soon finished. Ultimecia strengthened her legs around his waist to at least give the impression that he satisfied her. Not that he cared at all.

They got ready to return to the party without saying a word to each other. Deling opened the door to Ultimecia and she only nodded his way before she left. That was their goodbye for tonight. But not forever. For the next nine months, this happened again and again. And Edea never backed away from the little place she still had in her mind. At least she did not feel pain, little consolation as it was. And if she ever regains control over her body, she will make sure that she will never feel it.

She was still not sure what Ultimecia wanted. Was it something from Deling? Or did she use him to oppress Edea completely? At the end of the ninth month of this… affair, and one month before the attack on Dollet, she received her answer, when Ultimecia, keeping Deling close to her body finally whispered her request in his ear.

“Make me your ambassador.”

***

Esthar

Eleven years before the Clash of Gardens

The bustle of Esthar was too much to her after the years spent at the wastelands of Centra. After her first visit into the city center, she had run back to the laboratory like a wounded animal. But Esthar did not leave her alone even here. One of the highways was too close to the window and the passing cars constantly blocked out the sun at this late time of the day. The constant flashing was almost maddening.

Edea accepted a request from the new president of Esthar – and an old acquaintance – to come here and help with a scientific research, but it did not turn out the way she anticipated. Dr. Odine was undeniably a mastermind, and one she wished to help in his research, but he lacked empathy and so the sometimes painful, sometimes tiring experiments somehow turned into something damaging. Even now, she waited in white patient gowns, getting ready for whatever hell is to come.

The door opened behind her and her stomach clutched. In a minute, Odine will start to shout. But whoever came did not say anything, only cleared his throat. Edea turned towards the new arrival and was surprised to find Laguna Loire, the president of Esthar in the middle of the room. He was wearing formal clothes, which made Edea, dressed in her patient gowns, even more uneasy than she would be near the shouting Odine. The president waved at her and motioned her to sit down. If Edea’s hair would not have been in a bun, now would be the time for her to comb it with her fingers. But all she could do instead was to flatten her awful gowns with her palms and oblige without a word.

“I am sorry that I come to you only today, but I was out on a patrol at the sea. But I would really like to thank you for accepting our request, Mrs. Kramer. Especially since the first report of your contribution was sitting on my table for almost a week now and I… did not think that Dr. Odine would go to such extremes” he said, scratching the back of his neck.

Edea’s eyebrows rose. There was nothing ordinary in that little man. But she bit her lower lip to stop its slow curling upwards at seeing Laguna’s shy approach of the subject. Laguna sighed and continued.

“I know what you will say. But I genuinely give you the option to say no to his weird stuff and go home. I think I asked enough as it is” he now moved his hand away from his neck and relocated it on his shoulder, to pinch his suit in an attempt to put it straight. He was just as comfortable in his clothes as she was in hers, which made her oddly at ease. She touched his other shoulder and locked eyes with him.

“You are right, I am going to see this through. But do not worry yourself with it. My husband is running around the world as we speak, trying to gather funds to make an academy for elite soldiers who will have no affiliation to any country. Hopefully, one day the students will be able to use magic just like a sorceress can. And maybe, just maybe, they will show the world that magic is not always evil. So if you have trouble sleeping at night, think about this. Because I want to pay my debts for a world that understands better.”

Laguna did not break eye contact. His expression softened, but somehow that made him look older than he actually was. He opened his mouth to say something, but a very loud voice approaching on the corridor broke the silence before he could. The door soon opened and Dr. Odine barged in, followed by his assistant and two other men.

“Only medical perzonell, I zaid!” he shouted at the two men and halted when he saw Laguna sitting on a couch. Instead of becoming humble, his cheeks reddened with anger.

“Mister Prezident! Tell your lackeyz to back off! I did not send you ze full report, _one week ago_, if I might add, so zat you can tell me what to do!”

Laguna stood up from the couch and Edea followed. Odine didn’t care and went on.

“I remember writing to you zat the subject of ze experiment haz no children of her own and refuzes to conzieve one. I need a young sorceress offspring, and zat’s zat!”

Laguna scrubbed the back of his neck again and Edea also felt the hotness rising in her cheeks. Although the statement was as blunt as science goes, it embarrassed her that Odine’s wording hinted that she is capable to carry children, she just does not want to. Which of course sent the exact opposite message of what she just told Laguna.

“You did. With staggering details” Laguna said after what felt like an eternity. “But you cannot expect her to be a… brood… mare…” by the time he reached the end of his sentence, he was almost inaudible.

“Of course not!” Odine said after a moment of thinking, just long enough to make his words difficult to believe. “But zen we _have to_ make use of her blood!”

Laguna looked at Edea to see her approval, which she gave with a nod.

“Alright, Doc” he said, with a surprisingly defeated voice.

Odine looked at Edea and pointed the way to the laboratory. They took a lot of her blood that day and on the top of that, she had to perform magic to see if her blood has any connection to the sorceress powers she has. How could it not? It was her life force too. Soon black spots appeared in her vision, and she had to stop her trembling body by leaning against the wall.

“I think that is enough for today, doctor” she heard the soothing voice of Odine’s assistant. Edea did not wait for the answer, she slid down the wall and closed her eyes. She wiped the sweat from her forehead and she was grateful that she had the white patient gowns on, because at least that won’t to stick to her body.

“We know enough for today” Odine agreed. “We will see tomorrow how her body reacts when she already haz more blood.”

Her heart was beating like she spent minutes under water, and her lungs were trying to make her brain believe that they had oxygen. She does this for the children. So that when the time comes, they will be able to counter magic with magic. If her quest defeats her before theirs would, the better.

***

Balamb Garden

One day after the Clash of Gardens

“And we are done” said Dr. Kadowaki and withdrew the cold stethoscope from her back. “Whatever happened back there, you are far better than the young lady.”

Edea looked at the only bed of the infirmary. The girl who fought alongside his children was completely motionless since the fight in the Auditorium. She had no idea what happened with her or the girl, but she knew that the two were related, and so she felt guilty. She forced her eyes away from the girl and back to Kadowaki.

The woman gave her a gentle smile and Edea could not help but shrug. If she receives the sympathy of the doctor, then she must look more miserable than she thought. Edea met Kadowaki only once, when the staff was hired for Balamb Garden. Even back then, the woman looked more like a morose wrestler than a loving doctor, which made her completely suitable for the job she was applying for. She wondered what would make this stone hard woman so kind.

“Are you sure everything’s fine?” Kadowaki frowned.

Edea felt the heat washing over her face. She did not intend to seem so uncomfortable with the doctor. She sighed and brushed her hair with her fingers. The dreaded activity she always did when she was anxious. It will take her some time until she can learn again how to stop the unconscious movements of her body.

“Yes, I am” she looked up and smiled back at Kadowaki. “I just have to get used to everything changing.”

By this statement, she really meant everything. The unusual feeling that her body was hers, the change in the world and the new, unwelcome place she has in it, the fact that she fought and almost killed several children she raised as her own. Kadowaki smiled with understanding, and this time Edea did not flinch. She knew that the other woman understood that by everything, she meant _everything_.

“Will you be staying with us, Mrs. Kramer?” she asked suddenly.

“No” she answered maybe too harshly and hastily. She was not referred to as Mrs. Kramer for many years now. Her heart sank a little. That relationship was laying in dusts now.

Kadowaki silently nodded. Yes, she understood. Edea stepped closer to the window, well aware that she intrudes the personal space of the girl in blue. But she needed to look down at her refuge.

“We hover over my home. I would be daft of me not to return there. The world and I need to be separate for a while.” Or forever. The fields of marguerite flashed back to her memory, one of the many beauties of a wasteland. She knew that the fields are untended for years now, but the thought that she will make them beautiful again filled her heart with warmth. Right now, she felt that she will never want to leave the vicinity of her house. Only time can tell if she will change her mind.

“Maybe you _do_ need to go back there for a while” Kadowaki’s rough voice and the care it carried was an interesting mixture. Edea nodded absent-mindedly. “Not to live in hiding for the rest of your life, but because maybe you will find there something, a memory, that will bring you back to life.”

Edea shivered at these prophetic words. She hugged herself to soothe her pulsing nerves. What did Kadowaki mean? Even the old memories of her orphanage were tainted by her treacherous existence. She was ready to gather the memories of her happiness and her possession of Ultimecia and rewrite them with new experiences. She was almost eager to get started.

“Maybe” she muttered. For a long time, none of them said anything, until Edea thanked Kadowaki her checkup and compassion. She wanted to leave before the inhabitants of the Garden would wake up. She was more afraid of those she loves than of those who still know her as the enemy.

There was something refreshing about walking the distance between the Garden and her house. To act like a normal person, and to feel her muscles working. This was the best for her, for Cid and the children. They will come to her, and she will have to tell them all she knows and what she fears. But after that, all they will have to worry about is that a sorceress lives far away from the rest of the world. There was no need for additional feelings.

When she arrived, she stopped for a moment to look over her house. The orphanage was in ruins without the care Cid always gave it. After a quick inspection she concluded that she will be able to do what is needed to make it just habitable again. As she looked more closely, she finally saw a flicker of light coming from the house. She should have been afraid that maybe outlaws took their residence here, but she was not. She knew exactly what to expect. The shadow inside moved, as if he sensed that she was standing outside. No matter how many plans she made in her mind just for this moment, she had no idea what to do or say when Cid finally appeared in the door. His smile was so welcoming, so warm, so relieved from the sadness he obviously felt.

She wanted to greet him, or at least to touch his hand like they were meeting for the first time. But no matter how many times she opened her mouth, the words remained unuttered. Her lungs, her heart, her entire chest was under pressure. At last, it was Cid who took a step forward. She already missed his smile when her tears veiled her sight. She felt his hands around her and he drew her into a loose hug that strengthened only after she leaned into it.

It felt so natural. It _was_ natural. She sobbed openly now, and Cid remained there all along and held her.

“I'm sorry” was the first thing she could say, and it was barely a whisper. She was to blame if responsibility hurt him. The whole war between her and the children was her fault, and he was forced to take part in it.

He said nothing. Maybe he was struggling too. He drew back and tenderly kissed her forehead. This was his way of forgiving.

“I'm sorry” he whispered with such regret and passion that if words could burst, his certainly would. Edea looked up at him in surprise. Why? Only she is to blame. He put one hand around her waist and with the other he motioned towards the door that led to the seashore.

“I brought a blanket and already made tea. We can talk about the last few years if you wish.”

His voice was so welcoming and normal. Edea felt another surge of sobs forcing their way to the surface. She will tell everything to him. And he will forgive, because he already forgave the worst. And then she will make sure neither of them has to feel pain like this ever again.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this monster! :)
> 
> Fun fact: I wrote this thing up here to see if I can manage a Dark/Angst narrative. I'm actually a nice person I swear.


End file.
